Last year I wrote a silly piece on the types of City fan you find on Twitter and christened new phrases such as the “Self-appointed know it all” and “The second club splitter”. We all knew examples of each type and to be fair most of us were at least one or two. If you didn’t have a read back in September here’s a link… https://www.thelikesofhull.co.uk/450628837

 

Aaaaanyway, after my last piece on Waggy in May, we’ve hit the real cold turkey part of the season, no games, no pre-season training, not even really any club football at all, just the insufferably dull Nations League and… well… the other things City fans do on Twitter during the summer, so in a blatantly lazy rip off style, here’s my off-season version of City fans on this wonderful app. As ever send your hate tweets to @thelikesofhull . Thanks for all of your retweets, likes and comments, I hope this finds everyone well.

 

*Small disclaimer, we’re all at least one of these, I’m a seven and lazy tv version of a two. Don’t take it too seriously, none of us are getting out of here alive.*

 

 

Description

 

The Announce nonce isn’t vaguely interested in the hard work of the tiger trust or whose 62nd birthday it is, in fact they are getting increasingly annoyed by City Twitter having the sheer cheek to have the audacity to say anything that isn’t a confirmed signing. They graft through all journalist posts and love a you-tube video of possible signings, a slight variant of the Announce Nonce may also be obsessed with kit releases as well. It doesn’t matter what the topic is the official Twitter is discussing. The A.N. will only have one reply. They may also commit to an angry emoji or a flag.

 

 

“Announce Tufan” on repeat. Forever.

 

“Announce Tufan” maybe “Announce Traore”

 

 

In their Mum’s basement, googling Turkish football statistics.

 

 

The binocu-lars twitcher is very much a two club splitter ©. They are happier than most during this period as there’s plenty of opportunities to watch grown men in white pyjamas chase a ball around a very well cut field. The BT, is happy to watch either local, county or international Cricket and will upload lots of pictures from the game. Much like the Announce Nonce, there’s a variant here, which is the Lazy Binocu-lars twitcher or LBT for short. This is essentially the same thing apart from they watch on telly, then tell somebody and nobody all about whether there’s life in pitch Day 3, and the chances of any off-spin being seen before lunch.

 

About the importance of winning the toss.

Something about Joe Root.

 

On a deckchair, with some homemade pack up, and a note book.

 

 

You don’t have to be drunk to watch City play, but let’s be honest, it helps. Thus when there’s no City to spoil a good day out, the Alcoholics carry on regardless, if anything now there isn’t 90 minutes on a Saturday to interrupt their main hobby.

 

Pictures of pints any time after 11am, sometimes before.

Something badly spelled or lacking punctuation. They may delete this the morning after.

 

 

In the pub. Up the offy. Perhaps on a wall in a town centre.

 

This type of Twitterer (is that even a term?) loves it all so much. And they really can’t let go when the season is all over. They are a distant cousin of the Announce Nonce, so they obsess over lists of players released by other clubs, no matter how ridiculous or bad a fit they’d be for the club. They’ll still suggest they’d be worth a look. If Coldplay released a new single, they’d say we should sign them.

 

 

 

About who Norwich or Watford have just released, followed by “Only 32, worth a look @HullCity?” as if the club are going to see this a suddenly realise it’s a possibility.

Having a go at you for suggesting we’re unlikely to cover the wages of Lacazette whilst we get 15,000 fans and play Preston.

 

 

On other clubs Twitter sites.

 

 

 

The Bucket hat enthusiast is also a distant relative of the “Alcoholics that only went to City to get out the house”. But rather than anesthetising themselves with 8% Ciders and waking up in a puddle of their own piss wondering who or what they did the night before, the BHE knows, because they went to a concert/festival, and they’ve woken up in a tent covered in their own piss. They replace their kicks by paying inordinate amounts of money to watch Diana Ross and Supremes live in Leeds (I made that bit up because I’m so out of touch and uncool) and they are going to go live to show you. (Probably)

 

 

Pictures of themselves with face paint on. If they are with another person this person must be described as “this one”. So something like “Ed Sheeran with this one”.

They generally won’t argue much, too happy, drunk and possibly high.

 

 

On the red button on BBC.

 

Now you don’t have to prove your third child didn’t once walk past somebody who had monkey pox by sending a vial of their blood to the government of Ecuador, people are now testing the waters by going abroad again. Good on them I say, but quite why they think I’d like to start my day with a photo of their legs and a swimming pool with a golden cocktail on a table is anyone’s guess. Bloody show offs, whilst we have to spend our summers at work, doing stuff. Grrrr.

 

 

Exotic scenes suggesting a champagne lifestyle, despite the fact they’re on an all-inclusive in Rhyl.

“Sorry I missed that news, we’ve been at vineyard all morning darling”

 

Stuck in an airport but strangely not telling us about that part.

 

 

 

This is basically the “The right/left leave/remain flag waver” from last time out, apart from they now are spending the summer being outraged at the behaviour of the government/the behaviour of the people who criticise the government and they just won’t shut up.

They retweet and like everyone whose opinions basically mimic there’s, ignore or angrily quote tweet anyone who dares to think something vaguely different from them and get generally agitated. This news just in “Angry political watcher”… nobody really ever changes their minds because of Twitter on politics. You’re essentially just shouting at a cloud you whoppers.

Something angrily asking somebody to immediately do something, or alternatively telling the first person that the person shouldn’t immediately or ever do the something they’ve just told them to do. They’ll also hashtag a lot of things.

“You lefty/facist remoaner/brexit nonce, you would say that wouldn’t you? #neverlabour #johnsonout”

 

Being the last person in the UK to watch Newsnight

 

The Love Islander watches Love Island, clearly. The reasons for this can vary, but I don’t care enough to explore this.

 

 

 

At the moment, things that Michael Owen could possibly take legal action against.

“Forget about signings, I’m more into who is going to couple up after the Finger blast ball”

 

Watching ITV 4, like the anti-christ watches Jesus.